This has come up more than once lately, so of course being naturally curious about EVERYTHING, I did a little research. This actually consisted of polling friends, and thinking of my side of what I consider to be platonic relationships. Turns out, it totally depends on who you are asking.

At dinner Monday night with yes, a platonic friend, we discussed this. He and I met back in the fall, and have been friends ever since. Real, honest to goodness friends.  Like me, he is a runner (although no way would I put myself in his class of being a runner…not by a long shot!). We meet as often as we can manage for dinner, or to hang out, or whatever, and talk about running, relationships, work, life. Just like I do with my girls. So, we happened on this subject by total coincidence. Halfway through dinner and in the middle of serious conversation about trail running and how I would currently suck at it, I looked at him and said,” Wow,  ya know I just realized how to spot when 2 people are firmly in the friend zone”.  And he said “What, because neither of us made any effort to look nice?” I started laughing and was like, “EXACTLY!” It was so true…here we both finally got our schedules to mesh to meet for dinner, and I show up in jeans, a hoodie, hair in a ponytail, glasses, and zero makeup. He strolls in in a baseball cap and a track suit.  When you are dating someone, or wanting to impress them so that they will be attracted to you, one of the first things you think about is “how do I look?”  So it makes sense that this can be sort of a litmus test for if you are REALLY in a platonic relationship. Because it’s not like when you have been in a relationship and you just start to get comfy with each other and you both start to slack a bit on the “dressing to impress” stuff. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, and maybe you have become attracted to them, or maybe even have been attracted all along and are hoping they will want more, you won’t slack. Of course, this excludes group settings; I’m talking about one on one time. So…my first observation:  If you hang out with your friend of the opposite sex and you never concern yourself with how they are going to think you look, this is a most likely a platonic friendship.

I then decided to ask a few of my friends about their thoughts on this. In our circle, we girls have many male friends and acquaintances. Some of the responses I got were: “You can definitely have platonic relationships! Look at me and Mr. X, we have been friends for years and nothing has ever happened with us.” “I think it depends on the person. Sometimes you feel like you are just friends, and that is all you want, but they may be thinking something different.” “I think women can but men can’t. You can be friends with them but I think that they are always going to be open to something happening.” “I think it is pretty obvious if you are friends with a guy and he is hoping to be more. Think about it, if he is always hanging out with you instead of trying to talk to other girls, that’s a big sign. But, I do think it is possible to be platonic as long as you both know that is all there is.”

Hmmmm….all of those comments gave me lots to think about. Particularly the “women can but men can’t” comment. I don’t necessarily agree with that. I think of several of my close male friends and I can’t imagine that they think of me in any context other than friendship. Otherwise, I am pretty sure I would have picked up on that. We all know when someone is interested. It’s never really THAT subtle.  And why is it that men would be put in the “can’t do it” category anyway. That doesn’t seem fair. I think that my male friends are quite evolved enough that they can handle a friendship with a woman, and that they are capable of being honest about their intentions. So, I am going to completely disagree with that one.

I guess the one that really intrigued me was the “it depends on the person” comment.  This I think I can wrap my head around. But, I would change that to “it depends on the TWO people involved.” What I mean by this is that just because someone may have stronger feelings for one supposedly platonic friend does not mean that they could not have an honest friendship with a different person. It just means that for whatever reason they have developed deeper feelings than friendship with this one particular person over time. It could happen to any one of us. I don’t think this means that we aren’t capable of being platonic with someone else. So, my second observation is: If you are not picking up on any vibes that your friend is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you (and yes, again, c’mon…you would most likely know), and you haven’t found yourself thinking of them in that way either, you are most likely in a platonic relationship.

My last observation comes from thinking about some of my guy friends who were not in a relationship when we met but are in one now. I asked myself honestly what were my true thoughts when these guys started to date these women? Jealous? Protective? Happy for them? In each case, I came back with both protective and happy for them. This turned out to be one of the most important things I learned about the possibility of true opposite sex friendships. Never in any of these instances was I jealous. In fact, quite the opposite. I had been rooting for them to find someone who would appreciate them and treat them well, having seen them go through not-so-good dating experiences in the past. Just like I do my girlfriends. At first, I was always cautiously optimistic. A cheerleader, but behind the scenes thinking “Man if she turns out to be like so-and-so I am going to be so pissed.” Because just like anyone else you care about, you want to see them happy. You don’t want to see them hurt. Not because YOU want to be with them, but because you think they deserve happiness, period. So…final observation: If you find that when a friend of the opposite sex ends up in a successful and happy relationship you are genuinely happy for them, you are in a platonic relationship.

I think what I have figured out from all of this is that it can be a slippery slope. It is definitely possible, and I know I am proof of that. I have several very close male friends that I confide in, who confide in me, that I love to hang out with, dance with, that I can call at 2 a.m. sobbing over some jerk and they will pick up the phone because they care. Not because they want anything more from me, but because they know that at that moment I am in need of male perspective and they want to be there for me. And the same goes for them. They know that they can lean on me in the same way (although if one of them called me at 2 a.m. it’s doubtful they would be sobbing. They would probably instead be looking for a ride home!). It’s great to have friends of the opposite sex that you can bounce things off of and get the other gender’s point of view. So for those reasons I am of the opinion that platonic friendships are not only possible, but they can STAY that way. As far as the slippery slope, I will concede that of course sometimes something that starts out platonic will lead to something more. But that is not a reflection on either the man or woman’s ability to have friendships with other people of the opposite sex. Just means that they can’t with you. What to do about that I am not certain…it hasn’t happened to me so I can’t say. But that would be a good research project for looking into this more in depth. So maybe now I will find people who started out as friends and ended up together, and ask them how that evolved.  Stay tuned….

So I have been on a bit of a blog hiatus…not intentionally, just tons going on. But hopefully I will be back to getting on here a bit more regularly at least for a while.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the whole “not dating” thing, and I guess where I am at now is that I am open to it, but I am not going to seek it. That’s how it should be, right? I mean, the best relationships seem to start with a random meeting, so I suppose the point here is to learn to just let things happen and see where things go. I’m not one to say that men should do all the work in pursuing someone they are interested in either. I think it is definitely a meet in the middle type of thing. I think of it from both perspectives. If I were a guy, and I felt like I was doing all of the work in trying to get to know someone, I would most likely eventually give up because I would assume that the woman wasn’t all that interested. Same goes for us. I don’t want to feel like I am always the one initiating conversation or dropping hints about going out, or even straight out asking someone if they want to do something. For either gender, this makes you feel as though you appear either desperate or pushy or needy.

It seems that what I should ask myself at this point is have I truly learned from past mistakes (either on my end or the guy’s end)? I honestly think the answer to that question is yes. I was talking to one of my very candid guy friends this weekend about my single status. I told him that I was at a point where I was truly fine being without a relationship. I have finally learned to be happy on my own. I don’t find myself “trolling” for men when I go out, I go out to be with my friends and I have found that the biggest benefit to this is that I have way more fun than I used to. I will fully admit that there was a time when I would go out and when I came home it would hit me right in the gut….once again I didn’t meet someone. Now I am like so what??? I had a blast and another great experience, which is never a bad thing! After I relayed all of this to him, my friend said, “JJ, that is exactly where you need to be. That is when you are at the point to be able to have a good relationship with someone else, when you are able to be ok with just being with yourself.” I guess that makes total sense to me now. Nobody is going to like being with you if you don’t even like being with you!! That kind of stuff is projected into the universe whether you believe it or not. When you are truly content, truly confident in yourself, people notice it. Same goes for the other way around. People notice when you project low self-esteem, or when you seem to place your worth on your relationship status.

So I guess I will now consider myself back in the dating game, sort of. I realize that I am open to it. I have decided that I am totally okay with me. I may not be perfect, I know I have many flaws just like everyone else, but all in all I am happy with the person I have become. Also, and probably most importantly, I have let go of the baggage of my past relationship failures. Some were on them, some were on me. But each of them was a learning experience, and like any life lesson if you take something away from it that can only improve a future relationship, then you have no regrets. What I have learned with complete certainty is that if someone chooses to walk away from you, let them. If someone is not interested in you like you are in them, that is ok too. They are obviously not the right person for you. But someone will be. And it will most likely come out of the blue. Anyone who hasn’t seen He’s Just Not That Into You will not get this reference, but for those who have, someone told me today that for all the strength I have and the crap that I have put up with from some of the guys I have dated, I am still a Gigi. I still have hope and believe in the overall good in people. This is probably one of the best compliments I could receive. Because yeah, Gigi puts herself out there and gets hurt over and over, but she’s an optimist. She knows that one day she will find the right guy for her. And like Gigi, I will recognize it when I realize that I am not the one putting in all the effort…he will meet me in the middle. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens from here……

Well, maybe that’s a stretch for me, but it is the title of one of my new favorite books, written by Christopher McDougall. He uses science, real-life examples, history, and funny commentary to show how we really are all born to run. After the subject of this book was brought up in conversation last night with the person who recommended it to me, I really started thinking about why it is that I have come to love running so much.

For me running was something that I just could not do for any sustained amount of time. My first time out on the track last year I got a side stitch and was completely out of breath after one lap! I have always been athletic and no stranger to exercise. I played basketball for years and coached when I got out of high school, I hike, and have always been a regular at one gym or another. I even taught step aerobics once upon a time. But running, that was just too difficult for me. It requires endurance, and apparently that is an athletic quality I lacked in a big way. So last summer I not only decided that once and for all I was going to tackle the one form of exercise that has always eluded me, but I also signed up for a race in order to give me the motivation to stick with it. And boy did it stick! Not only did I complete that race, but I went on to complete an even longer one. And today I signed up for a half-marathon, with plans to take it even further and complete a marathon in the fall. So how did I go from the pathetic girl on the track to one with aspirations for long distance races?

For one thing, I fell in love. Somewhere between the panting and the gasping for air and the sore muscles I discovered that when I really get into it, when I allow myself to forget about all of that stuff and push through, it becomes enjoyable. Not only enjoyable, but addictive! The couple of months when I was training for that first race, all I could focus on was the PAIN! My legs hurt, my lungs hurt, and that damn side stitch always came back. But as I learned things like controlling my breathing, proper stretching, warming up and cooling down, the pain started to go away. And it was replaced with pleasure. Running, wherever I could do it, became my happy place. Whether I am forced to use the treadmill at the gym (because I just have not mastered the ability to tolerate freezing temps!) or if I am running along Grove Avenue or through Byrd Park, running gives me peace. At that moment, for however long I have to run on that given day, I am responsible for nothing or no one except me. My only concern is to keep going, to get lost in some music or scenery or both, and just enjoy it. You know that runner’s high that people talk about? I get it now! Right when you get to a point where you don’t think you can go any further you decide to push through just a little more and, without even realizing it, all of a sudden you no longer want to stop. That is one of the best feelings….I absolutely crave it now.

I still have a very long way to go in terms of endurance. But I’m getting there at my own pace. I’m not interested in my speed or least of all trying to win a race. I just want to be able to finish them. Because not only did I come to love running for the sheer enjoyment of it, or the physical aspects, but also because of what an accomplishment my progress has been for me. Here was something that to me was extremely difficult, and I decided that damn it I was going to try and see if I could do it with any degree of success. And I did. I not only am able to run longer and faster than I ever thought I could, but I enjoy it at the same time. Something that I thought I could never do I am doing. Goal achieved. Yeah, I dig that. In a not-so-small way, becoming a runner has shown me that when you set your mind to achieving a difficult goal, and you work hard at it, you can achieve it. Of course, the work hard at it part is important. You have to keep at it, even when it’s hard and you feel like you are getting nowhere fast. Just like anything else, you have to be committed. And then, just like that, when you weren’t paying attention, you get there. You pass the point of “holy crap there is no way I can do this” and get to the point of “well alright…maybe I can”. I have passed the “maybe I can” phase and have moved into “I know I can”. Like I said, I am nowhere near where I want to be. But I have proven to myself that I can definitely get there. And that right there is the bottom line. The greatest reason why I love running. I love the fact that it is getting my body in the shape I want it to be in, and that I can escape from the stress of the moment by putting in those headphones and hitting the pavement. But mostly, I love that such a simple act, a mode of transportation really (I mean, it DOES get one from point A to point B), has given me the encouragement to tackle other goals in my life the same way. I learned that if I work hard enough and my goals are reasonable (yeah, not really cut out for that whole “leader of the free world thing”) I can get there. One stride at a time…..

Technology is officially killing dating as we know it. Sure, social media, texting, and instant messaging are very convenient means of communication. If I couldn’t text I am pretty sure my thumbs would fall off from lack of use! But, for trying to get to know someone, these methods just don’t work like the good old fashioned face to face or (gasp!) phone call. Yes, people actually use their phones to make calls sometimes. Granted, not very often anymore, but it is definitely possible!

I was thinking about this the other day, and sure enough when I decided to research this topic there were tons of articles on the subject. Apparently, I am not the only person feeling the disconnect. Whew! I actually would understand this trend for those in their twenties or even early thirties, because they have grown up on technology in a way that people my age did not. It is just how they are used to communicating. However, it is a sad fact that men my age and older are doing the same thing! Instead of calling to ask you out, they inbox you on Facebook or send you a text. How impersonal is that???

And the “asking out” is not the only area that has changed. The actual act of dating has as well. Guys will shoot you a text asking if you want to grab a cup of coffee, or meet them and a few of their friends out for a drink. No more nervous first date dinners, no taking a chance that the night may not go well. Instead, we (women included) opt for the “fast food” style first date. A quick cup of joe or a drink at happy hour to see if we will click. But honestly, you just cannot get to know someone over a tall mocha latte. It takes time. First impressions are important, but let’s face it; we all screw up on those sometimes. Maybe a couple of hours of conversation would bring out a nervous person’s great sense of humor, or their fascinating stories about some of their really cool hobbies.  Of course you can’t really know someone after one date, but if you actually spend time on that date trying to get to know them you have a much better chance of learning something about them and deciding if they are someone you might like to continue spending time with. And if you don’t spend the time, you may miss out on someone that you should have given a chance.

I guess the worst technology “dating killer” of all is the online dating scene. Been there, and UGH! Fakes, phonies, liars, cheaters, and yeah I’ll say it, just plain losers. I am sure there are men on those sites who truly are just not into the dating scene and are looking to find someone an alternative way. But they are rare! I am also sure there are plenty of women on there that fit all of the above descriptors as well. I have guy friends who have some really crazy online dating stories too! The thing with online dating is that there are just too many options. If you “meet” someone online and start communicating with them (most likely electronically for quite a while) I can promise you that they are also meeting other women as well. I know this…I have done it myself. Anyone who has tried online dating has. Your inbox gets flooded with emails (ok, I use this loosely…the majority of these “emails” are one liners like “wow, great smile!) and so you respond to the ones that you are most attracted to based on their profiles and pics. Not just one, but several. Because there are so many options, it is almost impossible to actually decide on just one person. If you do go out, and it goes well, you may consider taking your account down or disabling notifications, but then you wonder “are they doing that?” So you leave yours up just in case. And some more emails come in. And there is this new guy that is SOOOO perfect for you. And so the cycle continues….

Bottom line to this rant is that I do miss the old way of dating. Where you met someone the natural way, like through a friend, at a party, somewhere out in public! And they showed they were interested by actually trying to talk to you. And then they called. And then you went out. No inboxing, no emailing, no random Facebook comment or least of all a “poke”! I have decided of late that the next guy I date will be a MAN about dating. He will show me he is interested. Yes, I do think that texts are great. Who doesn’t love that “good morning” or “sweet dreams” text? But there has to be more. He will need to suck up his pride and fear of rejection and ask me out face to face. He will need to understand that relationships cannot be built via electronic means. Real human contact is required. There really are no shortcuts. I know there are a lot of options out there, but if guys keep looking for something better than what is right in front of them then they are going to continue to miss out on some really great women. Women who refuse to be treated as an option, and when treated that way exercise their option to kick that “man” to the curb!

I think I have a situation here. I am only one and a half months into my self-proclaimed hiatus from men, and I am liking it a lot. A really lot. There is no part of me that is lonely, that wishes there was a man around, or that feels empty. I’m content. At least with that part of my life. So here is what I see as the potential “situation”….am I even going to be open to a good man, provided he actually exists, when the time comes? Or am I going to be so accustomed to the peace in my life and the current order that I have going on that I am not going to want to mess with it?

My time frame for the hiatus is a year. In that year, I will have finished my MBA, run a half and a full marathon, and banked some cash. I will have accomplished several goals that many people never do. So I am thinking that by the time I get around to even considering letting a man into my life, I am at the very least going to have greatly upped my standards. That, I suppose, is a very good thing, and something I should have done a long time ago. My guy friends are great, and I do think that guys make great friends. I have a son, and I think he is awesome as well. Same goes for other family members. But my experience with men has led me to believe that as partners, in general, they suck! I am sure that is more a reflection on the poor choices I have made in men, than on men in general, but that is just where my head and heart are right now.

So I am left wondering if I am going to end up a successful, happy single woman….forever. I am so very over all the bullshit that I CAN see myself simply being alone. I’m not sure if I am okay with that. I do remember how nice it feels when you start a new relationship, and everything is all sweet and fun and exciting. But I also remember how horrible it feels when the douchebag side comes out and you are left wondering “WTF was I thinking????”

I am hoping that as the year goes by I will continue to learn more about myself and what I really do want from a relationship. What I will put up with and what I will not. Maybe once I get there I will be better equipped to make good decisions about the men I let into my life. I do know one thing, I am no longer going to play by anyone else’s “rules” or games. I am going to be who I am with no apologies, and there will either be someone to come along and accept ME or there won’t. Better to be alone than pretend to be someone you are not.

On that note…I thought I would mention a conversation I had with a friend about short hair. See, my theory is that men don’t simply like long hair on women because they think it looks good, but also because they are actually intimidated by women with short hair. A woman who cuts her hair short is basically saying, “I like my hair short, and I am wearing it this way because I want to”. They do their own thing without asking permission or giving any thought to whether or not a man is going to like it. They are not “controllable”. They are independent. All very scary things for many men when it comes to women. Now, I am not saying women with long hair don’t fall into these categories as well, because many of them do. But ask any woman, and I would be willing to bet that at least 8 out of 10 would say that they would not cut their hair short because men don’t like short hair. So here is the big question…why do we do that? If we look good, stay in shape, dress well, and our personalities aren’t borderline psycho or anything, why should it matter? Anyway, after talking about it my friend sent me a link to an article about haircuts, and lo and behold, there was comment after comment from women about wanting to try one of the cuts but refraining for this very reason. So, men, if you were to be completely honest, am I right? Or close? I would love to hear your opinions because this truly boggles my mind.

So folks, I guess I will just have to relax and hope that this hiatus all works out for the best. Hopefully I will not get to a point where I really do not even want to try again. But in the meantime, I am going to be focusing on getting my life the way I want it, getting my head and heart back together, and spending some quality time with myself, my friends, and my family. Oh, and cutting my hair…..

I have found over the years that people have many different opinions when it comes to food. This realization has been even more pronounced since a) I finally reached my healthy weight and b) I decided to become a vegetarian. Everyone has opinions, and it doesn’t offend or bother me when people ask me questions about vegetarianism or how I went about losing all the weight. But wow, it seems that there are more schools of thought out there than just carbs or no carbs, meat or no meat. And EVERYONE is very set in their own way of thinking!

The one thing that DOES bother me is when people (usually overweight people) tell me “it won’t hurt you just to have a little bit” when I refuse something that is unhealthy for me. Why is that okay? I can guarantee you that if I said to them “ummmm…I really think you should back away from the cake” it would not be acceptable. How we eat is a choice we make. Every single bite of food that we ingest is a result of a conscious decision to do so. If you are overweight, it is not because you ate too many carbs or too little carbs or too much protein, etc. It’s because you ate too much PERIOD! I exercise like a fiend because I don’t want to starve myself. If you burn more than you take in you will lose weight. But I am also selective about the “extras” that I allow myself. If that cake at the office birthday party is not something that I particularly want, I am not going to eat it just because it’s there. I live by the 80/20 rule. 80 percent of the time I eat healthy, the other 20 percent I let myself have things I really like. I’m not going to waste part of my 20 percent on something that I don’t absolutely want. Food pushers just don’t seem to understand this.

I don’t try to push my lifestyle on anyone. My kids both eat meat and I am not going to force them to become vegetarian. After watching many documentaries on the meat industry, I have decided that it is just not for me anymore. I was actually tempted a few weeks ago after reading a really great book that was recommended by a friend (I will be talking about this one in a future post…it convinced me that buying local food is the only way to go!). But then I watched another documentary and my views were reaffirmed. These are my personal views…I think that meat is not necessary for my health (and in many cases can cause health problems), animals (even on many local farms) are treated horribly enough that it made me cry, and the idea of eating flesh now disgusts me. But as I said…these are MY views. I have just as much science and research and statistics to back up my views as anyone else has to back up theirs. I simply am not going to argue it with anyone because a) it is a moot point…people are seldom swayed from what they think is best for them and b) I am not interested in trying to “convert” anyone to my lifestyle. It is a choice…my choice, and I do not expect anyone else to agree with it or even attempt to see the value in it. Just as I am not interested in hearing about how bread is the enemy or how you can eat a pound of bacon every day and lose 10 pounds in a week. Moderation is always the key regardless of whether you are vegan, vegetarian, zero carbs, low carbs, low fat, etc.

So as the new year starts and everyone is jumping on a diet bandwagon, this post is my official last word on the subject. I will keep my mouth shut on the subject and just do my thing. It is obviously working. I have lost a great deal of weight on my own, with no gimmicks or clubs or plans. I had a complete physical last month and after 4 months of being vegetarian and 12 months of watching what I eat and exercising I was told by my doctor that I am the picture of health. My iron levels are perfect (so no, not everyone who is a vegetarian becomes anemic), my blood pressure is perfect, my cholesterol levels were all in the very healthy range, and I do not have diabetes or any other ailment. In fact, when I told my doc that I was a vegetarian she said that just like with anything else as long as I am getting all of the proper nutrients there was no concern. And obviously I am. I get plenty of protein (yep, vegetarians do have many options for protein) and I definitely get enough fruits and veggies. I don’t eat processed food very often, and I exercise 6 days per week.

Bottom line…whatever works for you is what works for you. Whatever your likes, dislikes, beliefs, etc. are, do your thing. But I hope everyone will remember that we all have different ideas of healthy, and we all have different nutrition requirements and tastes. So while potatoes and corn are perfectly fine for me, because I eat them in moderation, they may not be fine for someone else. But just remember that just because your doctor or your book or your documentary said so does not mean it is gospel. Nor do I think that mine are either. I have simply chosen the lifestyle that makes ME the happiest and the healthiest…I will not try to force it on you or swear that you don’t know what you are talking about if you have a different view. I will instead be silent on the matter unless someone has questions or interest in what I do.

Going into the New Year I have been looking back on this one and thinking of all the things that have happened, good and bad. If I were to put them all in a scale, one side full of the positive and the other with the negative, the positive would outweigh the negative by tons! Thinking back on the year I have realized several things:

1) I can accomplish difficult things. A couple of examples are losing over 80 pounds (I did that in about 9 months) and becoming a runner. I have always been athletic but I was never really a runner. I played basketball in middle and high school, taught aerobics, etc., but when it came to running I just didn’t have the endurance. So one day I decided that I was going to become a runner. Period. And I did. My first day out I ran a lap around the track (1/4 mile) and thought I would die!! But I kept going back, kept at it. In September I completed the Warrior Dash (3.5 miles with obstacles) and in November an 8K. I am now signed up for a half marathon in April and will be completing the Richmond Marathon in November 2013. I’m pretty proud of how far I have come, and I don’t intend to stop. I found that I have a true love for running, and have even been doing some solo runs outside in the cold, and I love it. I’m addicted….and happy!

2) My family is amazing and worth more to me than anything else in this world. My son is turning out to be quite an athlete, and I loved watching him play the sports he loves, and seeing not only how very talented he is, but what a great sport he is as well. That kid keeps me laughing, and I am watching him turn into such a great little person. My daughter also amazes me. She is such a talented artist, which I just cannot comprehend because I can’t even draw a stick figure! She has such potential, and I can’t wait to see what life holds for her when she graduates college in 2013. With her huge heart and unstoppable spirit I know great things will come for her. And my sister…after all these years we are still very close. I feel so lucky to have her, and I am so proud of all of the good she does with her charity work, and how well respected she is in her career. She is an all-around fabulous person and she has always been there for me. We went through a lot together and have an unbreakable bond.

3) I can pick some fabulous friends! This year I have made many new friends…some I spend time with socially and some who have become like family. I love them all. They all bring different things to my life, and when I think about it I realize just how lucky I am to have each of them. CW, who is my rock and motivates me every day to be the very best I can be and to never give up on myself. She has shown me that I can be honest about how I am feeling and that it is ok…the people who truly care about me are not going to go away simply because I am not happy and upbeat all the time. She has encouraged me to make the changes in my life that I have wanted to make for years, and to never apologize for doing what I need to do to reach my goals. MB who tells it like it is but only when I ask…whose opinion I truly value because I know it comes from a place of honesty and not judgment…and who would be there for me in a second if I needed him. KC who puts up with MB (LOL!) and is someone that I enjoy having intellectual conversations with…I have learned much from her views and totally respect her for the way she lives her life and for how she has remained true to herself without letting the world change her. SJ, who has been a shoulder to cry on, the calm through many storms, and who would give her right arm if I needed it….we have shared many laughs this year and many tears. ST, who has shown me that you should never judge a book by its cover…when MT comes out to play it is on!!! SS, who has a childlike hopeful and positive attitude, she probably does not realize just how much her hope has kept me going sometimes…the way she believes in finding that right person for you no matter how many times you fall on your face and get your heart broken is an inspiration to me.  AM, who is tough as nails on the outside and a great big hot mess of emotions on the inside…I would not have her any other way. She listens and cares, and has been through many disappointments with me, always encouraging me to not give up on being happy. And LD, who has a heart the size of Texas and is someone that I have grown to love dearly…she struggles with many of the same things that I have, and her taste in music is impeccable (ok I may be biased here). There are many others, and if they didn’t get mentioned by name (or initial LOL) that does not mean they mean less than anyone else. I am just lucky enough to have so many wonderful friends in my life that I just can’t fit them all in this one post!

So as I ring in the New Year tonight I do so with great friends and with great expectations for 2013. It will be what I make it. Yep, there will be negatives, hard times, failures, disappointment, heartbreak. But instead of wallowing in these things, I will learn the lessons that I need to learn and apply those lessons to positive endeavors. I will reach goals and try new things. I will have adventures, quiet days, laughs, tears, happiness, sadness, and everything in between. In other words, I will truly LIVE. John Lennon said “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” This is so true. Seldom do we just enjoy a moment…we are off to the next thing without realizing how truly valuable each and every little moment can be. So, I will make fewer plans, and experience life. I will learn to sit back and take it all in, the laughter shared with friends or family, the exceptional night sky, the scenery as I am running down a familiar or unfamiliar path….everything. I thank everyone who takes the time to read my blog for doing so and for encouraging me, and I hope each one of you has a truly fabulous New Year’s Eve, and more importantly, a truly fabulous 2013. It is going to be exactly what you make it….so make it AMAZING!

So on Christmas day I received a text from someone I thought I had buried firmly in my past. Previously, out-of-the-blue texts from him would have sent me into a downward spiral of emotions ranging from hoping we were going to start talking again to feeling sad or hurt over the way things ended the last time. At first, I fully admit, I did have a moment of “strangeness”…not sadness, not hope, not hurt, just a definite feeling but one which I cannot put my finger on. Perhaps it was a mixture of all of the above. But…it passed. For the first time since I have known this person, and experienced the roller coaster that was our relationship, I did not find myself struggling with the “what ifs”. Nope, I acknowledged the text, took it for what it was, and then after a very short period of letting things roll around in my head, I decided the best thing to do was block him so I would not have to even deal with this at all anymore. Some people are just hard to shake. There is no rhyme or reason. For those who might judge and say that if someone isn’t good for you it should be easy to just let them go, I say sometimes that is just not the case. It is not always that easy.

It honestly never occurred to me to block him from sending me messages because I was pretty certain that the way things ended the last time I would not be hearing from him again. I was pretty clear about what I thought of the game playing, the lying, etc. Let’s just say that if someone had said to me the things I said to him I would not find myself thinking it was okay to contact them again…ever.  But some men have egos the size of Texas and figure that eventually we just brush this stuff off and since they are “sooo awesome” surely we would welcome them back into our lives after a little time had passed. Ok, ok, that actually did work the first time, and the second time. But the last time, the third strike, was the first time I had ever “woman-ed up” and let him have it.

Anyway, I know I am not alone here. I also know there are plenty of folks who think that things like this are ridiculous and should not even be a blip on your radar. But bottom line is that with the technology we have today…Facebook, texting, email, etc…..out of sight out of mind is harder and harder to accomplish. If you no longer want to see or speak to someone, there are ways to technologically block them from contact, but with everything else going on it can be hard to remember to dot every I and cross every T. Somehow, if they really want to, they will weasel their way back in.

In this case that was a good thing on a few levels. First, I realized that I was finally, truly, and completely over him. That I had more important things right now to concern myself with and he was not even on the radar. Second, I got the satisfaction (however childish) of knowing that while I had deleted his number from my phone he still kept mine (HA!). And lastly, I realized that I had become stronger. That I am starting to understand that if a person does not treat me the way I should be treated they did not have the right to be in my life. This is actually quite huge for me.

So, I suppose the bottom line to all of this is that it is perfectly ok to celebrate these small victories. When we are making a conscious effort to grow emotionally, to heal and to become strong, these little things are not so little at all. They mean we are getting there. Whether we realized it or not, somehow, sometime, when we weren’t paying attention, we got a little stronger, a little wiser, and a little less tolerant of those who do not appreciate us. This, my friends, is something that some people are never able to accomplish. There are even folks out there who will preach about how you need to work on these things while their lives are complete wrecks…probably far worse than yours. But tune them out, listen to that little voice that says “go you!” when you catch yourself making these little strides, and carry on. Acknowledge your little victory, and then move right on along……

I have been wanting for a long time to have my house decorated in some really cool style…a style that I would consider me. But as I was thinking about this goal I realized that I have no idea what my style IS! I know what it is not….traditional, fancy, ultra-modern, shabby chic. I think I am a cross between Anthropologie and Pottery Barn. I don’t know. Anyway, I decided to look into this and the stuff I found was just too cool not to share. Not only do I now know where my style lies, I also have some seriously fabulous ideas on how to make my home reflect my style without spending a lot of money (which I don’t have anyway).

So my style….I started by taking a quiz on finding your color personality through Better Homes and Gardens. Turns out I am “Colorful Gray”. The results said to mix grays with jewel tones for a “luxe” look. I actually think that sounds kinda cool…and based on the pictures they provided for design inspiration after the quiz, this definitely is right up my alley. If you are interested in taking the quiz, the link is http://interiordec.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=interiordec&cdn=homegarden&tm=9&gps=556_227_780_414&f=00&su=p504.6.342.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.bhg.com/colorquiz

The next quiz they had was on finding your design style. They describe my design style as polished casual. Yep..that sounds exactly right, especially after reading the description! Here is what the results page said about this style: “You love to mix and match your favorites from several styles, so Polished Casual is the best way to describe your look. Crisp, fresh, and always comfortable, this approach anchors itself in neutral, subtle hues and furniture that isn’t fussy but isn’t slouchy either. Pair your clean-lined sofa with a dark leather wing chair or a weathered metal table—anything goes, but simplicity is key”. If you want to take this one, the link is http://www.bhg.com/decorating/decorating-style/quiz/?ordersrc=msn1decoratingstyleyour&s_kwcid=TC-934-26266805067-bb-1747486188

Here’s a pic of a room based on this style that I found at Hooker Furniture.com…OMG this is soooooo me!!!

So now I have my colors and my style. Now all I need to do is figure out how to make my decorating dreams come to reality on a very tight budget! I’m thinking yard sales, thrift stores, and lots of DIY projects are in my future. Now that I have an idea of what I want, I can start searching for ideas on how to get there. For example, while on a recent “window shopping” trip with one of my besties to Anthropologie I discovered a super cool headboard that I can make. Basically it is 2 wooden panels with some lights strung in between the panels, and the front panel had holes in a certain pattern (you can use a drill and make your own design). There is a cornice on the top with fabric draping across the top and down one side. It was really unique and easy enough to do on my own. And CHEAP! I already have a couple of boxes of clear Christmas lights that I never used that will be perfect for the inside, and plywood is very inexpensive. Some paint, a little fabric, and some foam to make a cornice and I will be all set.

So the trick I guess is to first nail down your style and color preferences. Then keep your eyes open for ideas all around you, like displays in your favorite stores, magazines, DIY websites such as HGTV.com and DIYnetwork.com. Also, Lowe’s has a great newsletter they mail out to you with cool DIY ideas for decorating. Go to www.lowes.com and sign up!

I will be sure to post pics of my finds and creations. I’m really excited to get started, although I hope to move soon and don’t want to do too much before I do. But, things like the headboard can be done now, and I can start going through my old stuff and purge what I don’t want to make room for the new (or new to me) décor. What better way to start the year than to make your house a home that reflects your own personal style and makes you smile when you walk in each room? I am so ready!

I have been struggling with motivation these days. For the past 3 weeks my exercise routine has been hit or miss thanks to a minor injury. I have been given the go-ahead to resume my routine next week and I am hoping that the motivation kicks back in. My biggest issue with willpower is not the inability to give in; it is having the motivation to not WANT to give in. When I exercise I simply do not falter on my good eating habits. I work out way too hard to blow it on food. I am definitely not one of those women who go to the gym, spend 30 minutes doing some light exercise while talking on the phone, texting or chatting, and then call it a day. My gym routine is at least an hour and a half, slightly more if I run after my strength training, 5 days a week. I really don’t play…I am one hot mess when I walk out of the gym.  And I love it. Or at least I did. I am truly hoping that comes back quickly.

With the holidays and all of the social events and work events that center around food this month this injury could not have come at a worse time. In a normal month my office has birthday celebrations, people bring in treats for no reason, and I also go out with friends regularly. Since I have been on my “Mission to the Marathon” I have had no problem at all passing this stuff up. It didn’t even faze me. So why is it that now that I know I can’t work out as hard or as often I am struggling with (and often failing) willpower? You would think that I would be extra careful not to slip up in the food department BECAUSE I can’t exercise it off. Nope…I seem to work in a weird ironic little world in this brain of mine. And it is going to start having an effect. So…I am shaping up my willpower as of today, and preparing myself to become newly motivated and ready to start fresh. But how?????

I guess the first thing I need to do is turn down anything that I am really not that crazy about attending. One less party equals one less opportunity for weakness. Besides, I really do have other things I can do that need attention or would be fun…cleaning my house, cleaning out my car (I swear by the looks of it one would think I am homeless and living out of it!), relaxing and watching some Christmas movies, etc. etc. Now I have 3 more days before I dive back into my old routine. What damage has been done is just history…I can’t change it. Somehow I have got to regain my focus and get determined again.

So the next step…and probably the most important, is to put my training buddy on notice. I need to tell her that no matter what excuse I give, unless it is truly legit (like kid related stuff that is out of my control or the zombie apocalypse) I am not to miss any workouts. No exceptions. If I stayed out late the night before…tough! Shouldn’t have done it knowing I had a workout in the morning. The goals I have set do require some degree of sacrifice and I have to accept that as part of the prize. Also, I know I will have to ease back in a little slowly the first week, but after that there is no reason why I can’t be back at my old pace. Once I start back it will have been a month that I was derailed, so it’s not like it was so long that I have to baby step it forever. I was getting into pretty decent shape, so a month will not have set me back by much.

Lastly, I just have to keep reminding myself of the goals I have set. I have to remember how important they are to me and how amazing it is going to feel when I get there. Also, I have a few little motivators that I keep tucked away in my brain as well. My secret little additional reasons for working so hard. I need to pull them back out and remember them…and allow them to push me as they did before. And finally, I need to remember more than anything that I am worth every bit of the effort I am putting into this.

So wish me luck…I am going to have to dig deep, suck it up, and get back to it. Fortunately I have an amazing support system and a training buddy who never gives up on me and NEVER takes it easy on me. One of the many reason I love this particular friend! I have learned however to never again tell her I hate doing some particular exercise. Now that she knows I despise walking lunges they are an integral part of our lower body work. Guess I will keep my intense hatred of the pushup to myself….